I’m having a poo month. I’ve been “fine” for a few months. I was pretty sure that I was getting better, but I’m back to being a bit of a wreck. And I thought I’d put it here. Here’s a load of honesty for you:
I’m a functioning human, I get by pretty well. I’ve said it before, but I managed to get to the age of about 30/31 without any sign of mental health issues. Which is excellent for my family! But when someone “seems” fine, that doesn’t mean they are.
This is all in retrospect, but I feel like it’s all connected. My decline started a few weeks ago when I lost my knitting mojo. I just didn’t have it in me. Last week I dyed a massive yarn club, and felt on top of the world, but whilst that was successful, I neglected to post a few bits which I had promised to send out. Lag in posting things out is usually the first alarm bell that rings for me. I started to write a blog post last Friday, and I still haven’t finished it. I’m currently sat in my house, surrounded by mess. I’m neglecting my duties as a mother and an adult (although I did vote this morning!).
On Monday I started to feel a bit highly strung, but we went out and had a nice day, and I was fine. Tuesday was a bit of a bad day. I felt like everything was a bit too much, like even small problems were making me want to punch myself in the face. I didn’t think I could do any of “this” anymore. Yesterday was the worst. I felt like a failure as a mother, as an adult, as a business owner, as a human being. I had an unbearable feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and in my chest. And you know what I did? I did nothing. All day. I didn’t wash up, I didn’t clean up, I didn’t do any work, I didn’t even shower. I just sat.
The intrusive thoughts about my mum started to trickle back yesterday, after being free of them for so long. And I know this is a recurring theme in my blogs, but she’s the root of all of this. I was brushing my teeth yesterday morning, with a new toothbrush which was quite firm. I started thinking about how I had to get mum a toddler toothbrush when she was dying, because her mouth was painful. Then I started thinking about how I used to have to wash her and help her with her teeth, because she couldn’t get out of bed. And that thought moved on to the last few days before she died, when she was in a deep sleep, and I would clean her mouth with a cotton swab. These thoughts continued on and off for a lot of the day.
I can often block the thought process that comes with my anxiety. I can easily identify the potential for wandering into “mum’s death” territory and squash it. But I can’t at the moment. It’s not healthy to bottle things up, but it’s also even more unhealthy for me to dwell on the 6 months before mum died (emphasis on “me”, because everyone deals with this stuff in their own way).
I felt a little better this morning. I took small to school and felt only a little bit inadequate as a parent. I got home and put some yarn in to soak. I sat down and waited for the royal announcement (Philip resigning). I put yarn in to dye. And then I felt like shit again. So I came here to write this. And I’m thinking “do I actually publish this? Is this unprofessional of me to be so open about this? Does anyone give a crap? Am I being selfish? I mean so many other people are dealing with this too, why do I get a platform to have a big moan?”.
Anyway, I don’t know what I’m going on about now. But I’m going to post this. I wont share it like I normally do. And if someone comes across it, then I hope you got something out of it. I’m going to go and force myself to do something. Anything. I’ll be OK. I always am!! This isn’t serious. I need you pull myself together.
After another rather horrendous day. I have spoken to a few close friends and I think the resounding opinion is that I need to see a doctor. I am going to request blood tests whilst I’m there, because my skin and nails are horrendous and I feel like I may need my thyroid checking (all vitamins and minerals are fine). This may be connected, it may not.
And I am coming round to the idea of a small dose of medication. I’ve been fighting the idea for a long time. The usual “I don’t want to be medicated”. But I think it’s time. Oh also, I have put my shop in holiday mode and I am taking at least a day off.
And thank you for your likes and comments, I didn’t actually think anyone would see this!